Ahead of going to back to University in September to voluntarily test my stress levels with a postgrad degree, I’ve found myself spending the past 7 months working full time in a bar in Wandsworth. Initially I accepted the job there because I’d hated my city job, and knew I could continue to work there whilst studying in order to fund my education. However, this has now become more than just a bar job. It’s become my baby. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for the place. That’s when it hit me; I’m a workaholic.
1. You take every single phone call you get from your workplace, regardless of whether you’re in the shower, or eating a romantic dinner with your partner. Why? Because you’re convinced that something awful will have happened to in your absence. Like your cleaner has managed to burn it down, or someone’s forgotten to turn the gas off when changing the Fosters.
2. You call your boss. A lot. Not always with an agenda. Sometimes, you just want to see how they’re surviving without you and whether or not you can do anything for them.
3. You find yourself playing middle man between the other staff and your boss, because they’re convinced he likes you more than them. To be fair, he probably does.
4. You make your boyfriend go out and play football on date night so that you can pick up an extra shift guilt free. You don’t even feel guilty when he says his legs hurt, because you got paper.
5. You end up staying an hour past your shift’s end time, because you have more things to do and you’re convinced that nobody else can do them like you can. In fact, you know they can’t.
6. The advertising blackboards are your babies, and if anyone smudges them or attempts to write on them you hulk out. In your head you’re an artist. They’re not.
7. Lunch becomes a thing of legend. You’ve heard people speak of it. Hell you’ve seen people eating it! But lunch? For you? Don’t be ridiculous. There’s no time. Anyway, who’s going to look after the bar if you take a break? The chef?
8. You find yourself talking about work. A lot. You’ve got nothing else to talk about, because you do nothing else with your life except spend time with your partner. And as flattering as it might be in the beginning, they’ll soon tire of hearing about themselves.
9. You complain that you could do better at X, Y and Z with other members of staff and your family, but as soon as a customer points out the same thing you immediately tell them to shut up because they are completely and utterly wrong. Your bar is perfect.
10. The number of hobbies you have equals zero. You have literally none. Besides, you don’t have time. What if work needs you?
11. You say you’ll be home in twenty minutes, but you find yourself getting so immersed in the job that before you know it you’ve drawn an accurate picture of the globe on your FIFA World Cup score board complete with shading, you’ve made 437828 posters and hung them everywhere, and you’ve spent time designing and laminating 636253 specials menus because the world will end if they’re left until tomorrow.
12. It doesn’t matter how busy the previous day may have been; if someone’s forgotten to take the filter out of the dishwasher and there are still glasses to wash, you’re going to rage. You mention it to the person the shift belonged to, gauge their reaction, then tell them you were joking. But you weren’t. You definitely were not joking. In fact, they made your hit list,
13. You cannot justify missing work. It doesn’t matter if you’re due a holiday, you’ve got a broken elbow or if you’re dying; you will be there. Unless you have the Nora Virus. But only for health and safety reasons.
14. The word ‘no’ is no longer a feature of your vocabulary. No matter how many times you try to use it, you still end up on your hands and knees designing blackboards for the next three weeks when in fact you should be at home, eating pasta and watching rubbish on TV.
15. You deny that you’re a workaholic because you aren’t. You really aren’t. You just like your job. A lot.
On the off chance that you like the image I’ve used, it’s available in print form from society6